I'm not who I was

13:22:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the person I used to be. I've been saying that a lot recently. I can't make any excuses for the person I was. Or for the things that I did or should've done. But I am no longer that person. 

There are some specific people I know I hurt deeply. I too was hurting but couldn't express myself appropriately. I am sorry for blaming my mother for my father's death. I am sorry for taking her for granted while she looked after me and was going through grief herself. 

I'm sorry to my best friend in high school, who loved me. I'm sorry for taking advantage of that. I'm sorry for playing mind games to get you to show you that you loved me again and again. I'm sorry for causing you so much pain, stress, and burden. I'm sorry if what I did changed your vision of relationships. I forgive you for the misunderstandings between us. I forgive me, for I was young and stupid and didn't know what love was. 

I'm sorry to my brother who I mistreated and bullied. I'm sorry that I tried to control you. I forgive myself for being so cruel to you and will continue to make up for my mistakes. 

I'm sorry to my dear friends who I mistreated because I was hurting inside. I'm sorry for having a short temper. I forgive myself because I didn't know what peace and love was. I will continue to try to love others around me with all my heart and soul. 

I'm sorry to my first boyfriend who had to put up with things no human being should ever have to put up with. I'm sorry for all the fights, for all the breakups and make ups. I'm sorry for the mess my life was. I forgive myself for playing such mind games and will do better next time. I will find that person God has intended for me to serve and love and I will support them and love them. 

I'm sorry to those I played around with. I am sorry for those I intentionally or unintentionally led on. I was immature and was playing with fire. I forgive myself for being so insecure in myself that I needed to do the things I did. I now know that I don't need anyone to satisfy or fill this void in me besides God. 

I'm sorry to God because I didn't recognize the terrible person I was and the terrible witness I was making for those around me. I'm sorry that I didn't have enough love for those around me and love for myself. I am ready to continue to make changes to myself and I am ready to accept responsibility for mistakes I have made in the past. I am a sinner. And I am grateful that you have revealed yourself to me. I am grateful that you have shone your light on me so that I can see my past selfish ways. Please continue to refine me, mold me, to be more like you each and everyday. 

For those I have hurt, I wish you can see the person I am today and the person I am becoming. I wish you can see the growth. And wish that you can forgive me just as I am starting to forgive myself. 


 I'm Not Who I Was

By Brandon Heath
from the album Don't Get Comfortable tabs: http://tabs.ultimate-guitar.com/b/brandon_heath/im_not_who_i_was_crd.htm

 D          A9             C9           G9

 D                 A9                                   C9                 G9
I wish you could see me now                I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was

 D                                        A9                             C9                 G9
Used to be mad at you              A little on the hurt side too but I'm not who I was

 Em7/A                D/F#                            G9
I found my way around to forgiving you         sometime ago

                            C9              Gmaj7
But I never got to tell you

 D          A9             C9           G9
So...........

 D                                              A9                           C9                 G9
I found this in a photograph           I saw me and I had to laugh you know I'm not who 
was

 D                                                          A9            C9                 G9
You were there you were right above me and I wonder if you ever loved  me just for who I was

 Em7/A                                D/F#                              
G9
When the pain came back again like a bitter friend          it was all that I could do

                                  C9                  Gmaj7
To keep myself from blaming you
D                                       A9                               C9                 G9
Thinking it's a funny thing       figured out I can sing now I'm not who I was

 D                                      A9                                   C9                 G9
I write about love and such maybe cuz I want it so much       I'm not who I was
Em7/A                     D/F#                                   G9
I was thinking maybe I I should let you know           that I am not the same

                              C9                     Gmaj7
That I never did forget your name
(D                  A9                   C9                 
repeat this pattern twice over vocal ad libs
Hello.....                       Na na na na na na na.....
Em7/A                         D/F#                               G9
The thing I find most amazing, an amazing grace is the chance to give it out

                                        C9                     Gmaj7
Maybe that's what love is all about
D                                                 A9                        C9                 G9
I wish you could see me now                I wish I could show you how I'm not who I was

Your name

17:14:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments

What an inspiring time of year. I am glad that I'm not a uni student looking forward to exams. It's that time of year, in Australia jacaranda season marks the end of classes and the start of exams. There is a well known belief around our campus that if a jacaranda flower falls on you, you will fail. This curse is passed on from year to year. 

But today? Today I just stood there in the sunlight, letting the gentle petals fall upon me. It was a magical experience. After 8 years of university, I no longer face exams or assignments. It is done. 

My busy season is also almost over. Thanks be to God who sustained me through a really really rough month. I had to deliver 2 lectures, 8 tutorials, mark over 40 papers, write two manuscript draft/perform analyses, submit a fellowship application, draft a poster presentation, just to name some of the main things I had to complete. This was on top of answering student emails and fielding the complaints of my "team". And there were also a range of church related duties, interpersonal problems, presents to prepare... the list was exhausting. 

At the end of the month, I was feeling run down. Starting to feel sick, but God gave me a sense of peace, that everything was going to be ok. As I stood beneath the falling purple softness, I felt completely complacent. 

BUT unlike uni students who have a 3 month break to look forward to, I have 3 days before starting the next month with next months' deadlines to look forward to. The only positive is that the teaching semester is over and I can fully concentrate on my research. 

I was reading a devotion today about battles and feeling overwhelmed by enemies in 2 Chronicles. WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO, BUT OUR EYES ARE ON YOU. Fixing our eyes on Jesus when things are overwhelming is soooo important. 
My TO DO list still grows everyday but it doesn't worry me. I just need to take one step at a time. 

And as for interpersonal problems? They are going to be around whether or not we worry about them, so why not just enjoy our surroundings and let whatever happens take it's course. 

2 Chronicles 20: 10 “But now here are men from Ammon, Moab and Mount Seir, whose territory you would not allow Israel to invade when they came from Egypt; so they turned away from them and did not destroy them. 11 See how they are repaying us by coming to drive us out of the possession you gave us as an inheritance. 12 Our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”






THIS SONG HAS BEEN IN MY HEAD FOR A WHILE... singing it softly on my runs, belting it out in front of the piano... 

Paul Baloche

As morning dawns and evening fades
You inspire songs of praise 
That rise from earth to touch Your heart and glorify Your Name Your Name is a strong and mighty tower
Your Name is a shelter like no other
Your Name, let the nations sing it louder
'Cause nothing has the power to save
But Your Name 


At peace ... BUT

06:46:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments

Feeling incredibly peaceful at the moment. Thank you Lord! I woke up to a song in my heart BUT can't seem to figure out what the song is. In my search for this song, I found two other songs that has given me much strength today.


Take home message for today? Sometimes we go in search for something in particular, like a specific song, a particular relationship, a gift for a special someone; and we might not always find it. Instead, we are blessed in the process by finding something that is truly wonderful, a feeling that is indescribably peaceful and unexpected. 

Remember, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains. 

Don't walk, stand or sit!

07:07:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments

I was watching a devotional by Mark Hall today (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=b37dKCZYXHk#!) and he was talking about Psalms 1. Psalms 1 is a verse that I try my best to live by. I try not to walk, stand or sit in sin. And sometimes, I can come across as quite extremist. It's not that we are not allowed to do certain things but these are choices we make to gain the favor of our Lord; we are set aside, different from the world. I choose not to WALK, STAND or SIT in sin. Once upon a time, I would do things like illegally download music, "sample" grapes, gossip about people, pay people out, hold grudges, watch violent movies, dwell in Korean dramas/computer games instead of studying, neglecting my responsibilities by shopping, chatting, etc. And sometimes there is that temptation, but with God's help, I try to overcome. 
So based on the first verse, I often try to CUT things out from my life. Cut things that are keeping me away from God and His love. Uproot things in my life that are causing me to be associated with sin. 

What today's devotional taught me is that I need to also PLANT myself in God's word. I can't just remove behaviours, because I'll just substitute it with another behaviour. I need to plant myself firmly in God's word and delight in it. 

So while it is good to uproot behaviours in our lives, it is also good to make sure we are firmly planted into the foundation of Jesus Christ!

Psalm 1

1 Blessed is the one
   who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
   or sit in the company of mockers,
2 but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,
   and who meditates on his law day and night.
3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
   which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
   whatever they do prospers.
 4 Not so the wicked!
   They are like chaff
   that the wind blows away.
5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
   nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
 6 For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
   but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

Tired

18:10:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments


My second year milestone for my PhD/ third year for my postgraduate studies is coming up. At this stage, I am just feeling tired. I feel like I'm not going anywhere - everything seems to be happening in slow motion, yet the weeks past by so quickly. It was only a year ago when I was down south working on data collection. A year ago when I was in a completely different place, fending for myself. And a lot has happened over the span of a year. 
Finished my first external placement, finished my last ever clinical assignment, finished my last ever clinical exam. Only one more external placement and I will have finished the requirements of my coursework degree! 
I got my first ever first-authored publication. My relationship with my supervisor is much more functional. I have projects ready to go and just waiting for me to finish. Once I finished all the write ups, I will be a doctor~ of sorts. When will that day come? Today, my devotions bought me to 1 Peter 1. The writer reminded me that although my postgraduate journey seems long, it's not in comparison to the rest of my working life (God willing)- the title is something no one can take away. And the marathon that I am running now is going to be worthwhile. Even more worthwhile are the trials we are being put through for God's kingdom; we are building up things that are eternal, that people cannot take away. 
As I move to the final stages of my postgraduate degree, I am starting to see a brighter future. One where I am no longer on a minimal wage. One where I am more autonomous in my work. One where I might have a LIFE. One where a dark gloomy guilt cloud doesn't constantly remind me that I am wasting time. One where I may actually have a social life ~ where spending time with friends doesn't mean a "wasted" thesis writing time. One where I might be in a better position to think about starting a family (God willing). But at the same time, there are also fears of the unknown. I am not sure what God wants me to do. I don't know what his will is for my career, for my relationships and for me in general. But I shall take it one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Or right now? One word at a time, one paragraph, one publication... 



1 Peter 1

 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.


How are you?

08:28:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments

If you are happy and you know it clap your hands, if you are happy and you know it clap your hands. We don't have to always blog about our worries. We don't have to always write about our fears or frustrations. We can write about what makes us happy. What makes us smile. What makes us joyful. Today? Today I am thankful for my health. I am thankful that I can type: a few years ago, during a stressful honors year, I lost sensation in my left hand. I found it difficult to lift anything heavy, type and my arm constantly felt numb. I am thankful for my recovery. I am thankful for my sense of taste: a few years ago when I visited Hong Kong, I ingested some toxins which made my tongue feel like plastic/numb and I couldn't taste anything for several weeks. It was a horrendous experience to be in a place filled with beautiful food and not be able to enjoy it. And from time to time, I think of that experience and I feel so blessed to have a sense of taste. I am thankful for many blessings. Today, I am thankful for my brother's relationship with his girlfriend. She is such a beautiful influence on his life. She has given him motivation to study. She makes him smile. She makes me smile when she gives me cakes and donations of clothes haha.

http://www.biblestudycharts.com/HH_Count_Your_Blessings.html
When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done

Jesus take the wheel

10:29:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments


I woke up today with a song of praise. That's how one should wake up in the morning. Yet, when my eyes adjusted to the light, the burden of the day dawned on me. I have to finish my assignment and my proposal today. There is no ifs or maybes, it has to be done. And yet, there were other things weighing me down. Still, I am thankful. 

I am thankful for these challenges in my life because God wants me to grow. I am thankful that I have brothers and sisters in Christ to bounce ideas off. Even if I find that I am unable to be fully vulnerable with them, or share with them everything that is going on in my life, I am thankful. 

I am soooo blessed that there is beauty all around me. I took my camera on my morning walk today. When you look for beauty, you find it everywhere. How can my words describe the wonders of your universe? How amazing that each leaf is different, every flower unique and ever feather counted. Just as my head was pondering whether I have handled certain situations properly, I was faced with this scene. There was a swan-like bird who wasn't black, wasn't white but both. I am reminded of learning logic in school. "All swans are black", and as soon as we can see a swan that is white, the theory no longer stands. Today, I was reminded that sometimes the actions we take may not be right or wrong. And still it doesn't make it grey. There can be parts of our actions that are beneficial and others that aren't. 


I am still feeling guilty over the way I have handled situations in the past and how I am handling similar situations now. Why is escape my first thought? Why is withdrawal always part of my reflexes? Instead of protecting people and loving people, which was my original intention, I end up hurting a lot more people. Why oh why am I using my time, energy and resources worrying about such things? These burdens are too heavy for me to carry and I am making a mess out of everything. 


I need to LET GO and LET GOD take control. 



Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.Matthew 6:34

I have just realised that I have started each paragraph with an "I". Let me seek more of YOU in my day! And let YOU give me hope that all these things will sort itself out. For even if I have faith as small as a mustard seed, I can move mountains. 

Setting clear boundaries

10:18:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments

As a clinician in training, we are often warned to set clear boundaries. We are supposed to be someone without an identity. We are not meant to allow our prejudices, experiences and beliefs influence our clients. And so I have been struggling. A big part of who I am is a Christian. When people ask me whether I am a christian in therapy, my response is supposed to be ... asking them why they want to know. That is a comforting experience for me, since I want to shout out, YES YES YES, I am a follower of Christ.

Similarly, I have a standard disclosure I use with friends and family. "I am not your therapist, and this isn't a therapy session". Still, I find that it's easy to fall into the trap of counselling others. One of my brothers in Christ, who is also a good friend challenged me. Isn't counselling others a natural part of being a Christian, or a human? Does my profession really expect that I never form bonds with anyone, never offer a keen ear? Does my profession really expect me to carry both identities separately, the KIKO that is a therapist/ academic Monday- Friday 9-5 then the KIKO that is the Christian, friend and partner after hours? Is it possible to wear both hats at the same time.

So lately, I have been struggling with these ethical issues more and more. I find that when I am talking to friends I may start to use my clinical tools. But are these clinical tools part of the way I talk or is it more than that? Am I breaching codes of conduct by using empathy? Surely, my profession allows me to use empathy beyond the clinical walls. And HOW do I safeguard myself and my profession. The guidelines suggest that we set some boundaries. But even the great wall of China has holes!

So a case study. Person X has come to me and has told me that they are having relationship problems. They stress communication issues between them and their potential partner has being a problem. So, as a friend, what would you say/do? As a Christian sister in Christ, what do you say/do? And as a clinician, what do you say/do? How conflicting! Especially since I know both parties. I can see where ethical guidelines are important in this sense and why we can't treat friends like clients. I know both parties, I can't give an objective view. My clinical judgement is impaired. I cannot give good advice. But can I still act as a friend/sister in Christ in this situation?

So what advice do I give Christians who are seeking to know God's will about their romantic relationships?

As a friend
- I would just listen and try to understand the situation
- I would ask what kind of support I can give that person at that point in time, quite often just just want to be heard.

As a sister in Christ
- PRAY, if we get closer to God we can understand his will more
- Read the bible.
- Talk to other Brothers and Sisters in Christ who are more spiritually mature to get their guidance.
- Do to others as you would have them do to you- Guiding principle.
- Love the other as a Sibling in Christ until clear guidance can be found. 
- Let a yes be a yes and a no be a no. Be clear. Be honest. 
- Do not use an excuse of not wanting to hurt another person and drag out "ai mei" relationships because these can potentially hurt the other person more. 
As a therapist
- I would get them to consult their own therapist haha.
- As a therapist, I would facilitate their problem solving process
- Train them in communication patterns and guide them in the "dance"
- Role play potential interactions and give the client feedback.

We belong to the day

13:14:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments


from facebook forward
And so I have failed again and again. But I am just a mortal, a human, a flawed creature. I have fallen to temptation too many times over the last month. To date, I have spent over $1000 in a range of things: laptop, camera, clothing, airfares, gifts for people. I could have saved myself at least $150 over the last month from things that I didn't NEED to buy. This money could have been better donated to the needy and to further God's kingdom.
When I get a bonus, I get tempted to spend the entire bonus in a month. And this month, I failed. I could justify each of my purchases, but these would be EXCUSES.

I am so blessed that God loved me despite my many failings. He loves me even if I am flawed. And he loves me enough to want to help me out. 

I know I can overcome this because he promised that he would not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear. This is a fantastic chance to prove that I can have self-control with God's strength. I am no longer a weakling, I CAN DO THIS! Because through God nothing is impossible.

13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

Coming from a clinical perspective, here are some tips to overcoming compulsive shopping habits
- Limit access: If you shop online, get offline. If you shop at the mall, don't go.
- Distractions: Keep yourself occupied with alternative activities
- Make a public commitment so others can hold you accountable
- Chop up your credit card, decline a raise in credit limit, put it in the freezer, do not take it with you. 
- Do not make shopping a secretive affair, if you really need to buy someone, take a friend: let them know that you have a budget and make sure they help you stick to the budget, without buying other things too.
- Ask yourself, do you need this? 
- Ask yourself, how many third world families can you feed if you did not buy this?
- JUST STOP IT!




 

We belong to the light, so let us not act as if we belong to the world anymore!!! I, KIKOPRINCESS is weak, flawed and unable to control my present shopping situation. BUT with God's strength, I can do it!

1 Thessalonians 5

4 But you, brothers and sisters, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief. 5 You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness. 6 So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober. 7 For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. 8 But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. 9 For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. 10 He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. 11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.


even with faith as small as a mustard seed, we can move mountains!






WORD FOR YOU! by: Aries Quismundo

00:18:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments


WORD FOR YOU!
A CHAT WITH JESUS CHRIST...

Jesus: Hello. Did you call me?

Man: Called you? No. Who is this?

Jesus: This is Jesus. I heard your prayers. So I thought I will chat.

Man: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst of something.

Jesus: What are you busy at? Ants are busy too.

Man: Don’t know. But I can’t find free time. Life has become hectic. It’s rush hour all the time.

Jesus: Sure. Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you results. Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it.

Man: I understand. But I still can’t figure out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz me on instant messaging chat.

Jesus: Well I wanted to resolve your fight for time, by giving you some clarity. In this net era, I wanted to reach you through the medium you are comfortable with.

Man: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?

Jesus: Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated.

Man: why are we then constantly unhappy?

Jesus: Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That’s why you are not happy.

Man: But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?

Jesus: Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.

Man: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty.

Jesus: Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Man: If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?

Jesus: Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don’t suffer. With that experience their life become better not bitter.

Man: You mean to say such experience is useful?

Jesus: Yes. In every term, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

Man: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why can’t we be free from problems?

Jesus: Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons (to) Enhance Mental Strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.

Man: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don’t know where we are heading.

Jesus: If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.

Man: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do?

Jesus: Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.

Man: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?

Jesus: Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.

Man: What surprises you about people?

Jesus: When they suffer they ask, “why me? When they prosper, they never ask “Why me” Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.

Man: Sometimes I ask, who I am, why am I here. I can’t get the answer.

Jesus: Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery but a process of creation.

Man: How can I get the best out of life?

Jesus: Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.

Man: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.

Jesus: There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.

Man: Thank you for this wonderful chat. I am so happy to start the day with a new sense of inspiration.

Jesus: Well. Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don’t believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.

Man: Thank you so much.

Jesus: You are always welcome. Have a good day my friend.
‎" Always remember, God's Word is the Word for YOU ".
by: Aries Quismundo

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20:34:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments

 Have I gone about it the wrong way? Have I always made the wrong decision?

I have always believed that when I am the problem, I can fix the problem by taking myself out of the equation. Or if being in a particular situation compromises me, I should remove myself.

I initially started to serve in leadership roles because there was a need for me to serve, I had the burden and there was the opportunity. I started out serving for my love of God. I served out of love for my brothers and sisters in Christ. I soon felt that pride was consuming me. I enjoyed the praise of those around me telling me I was doing a good job or the authority over others telling them to do this or that. I felt guilty for having this type of attitude. So I removed myself from the role as soon as I found a replacement and served quietly in the sidelines instead. I now happily serve in the sidelines and help out where I can.

There have been a few times in relationships where I have removed myself from the situation. I removed myself from a long term relationship with a guy because of the type of person I became in the relationship. I was becoming such a horrible person. I was taking the other person for granted but they never once spoke up to tell me to change and let me continue to be impulsive and run my life into a mess. At that point in time, I was stressed, studying a ridiculous load at university while working several jobs throughout the week and on weekends, serving in various positions at church and being involved in various clubs and societies. I took my stress out on the poor soul and he never told me just to stop and reconsider what I was doing~ how I was behaving. I WAS THE PROBLEM. So I thought that as long as I can take myself out of the situation, it would save everyone a lot of suffering. And that is exactly what I did. And I know for that particular relationship, it was the right thing to do because this man is now happily married to a loving wife. Thanks be to God who provides for his children.

In another case, I had developed mutual affection for a particular guy. He was quite reserved and we were happy to be really really good friends, but not quite to the point of becoming lovers. Then a friend told me that she had developed feelings for this particular guy but was afraid that he liked someone else. I again recognized that I WAS THE PROBLEM, so I took myself out of the equation. I did not want to be the type of person that would prevent someone's happiness. I didn't want to be a bitter person either. I'm not sure I made the most appropriate decision at the time because he too took himself out of the equation. Reflecting now, I think I should have committed myself more to prayer and to seek God's guidance.

It has been years and much personal and spiritual growth since these events have taken place.  Through the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, I have become a better person. I am filled with joy. Thankfulness. Praise. Love. Hope. The way I relate to people feels so different that I am always reminded that I don't want to be the person I once was. And I want to be more and more like Christ each and everyday. And so I have tried to protect myself by keeping myself away from situations that might trigger my old self from coming up.

So it come to a more recent situation. I have become rather close with someone. He was someone I could share my thoughts, feelings, ambitions with. And in return, I was trusted with his burdens. People around me started to notice that I have become happier lately, less stressed, I sing more and smile more. But as we began to become best friends, I found that old me tried to resurface. I was accidently saying things that would upset this dear friend. Although the actions aren't there, I have cognition that disturb me. I would feel "used" and thoughts of jealousy? It's very silly considering we are only friends, but these thoughts were disturbing to me. I couldn't pin-point why I felt this way; but I wanted to stop whatever I was doing so I don't fall into old traps. I have been praying and praying about a solution. About what to do. I thought God's answer was for me to cut this particular person away from my life. And I had taken steps to detach myself emotionally from this friend. And I have cut so many people out of my life with such decisiveness, that makes me regret it now.

So I discussed this with the particular person and my family; this strategy I have been using to handle such problems. This friend helped me understand that there are also potential problems with my solution. By removing myself from service, I might be doing a dis-service to those I am serving. By removing myself from friendships, I might end up hurting people in the process. In a way, it is avoiding problems and this will impede my personal growth. It's ok to allow people to help me overcome these inadequacies. I am fundamentally flawed but not unfixable. Through Jesus, nothing is impossible. I was actually really blessed with a great conversation with my baby brother. We rarely have such heart to hearts. I shared with him my particular concerns about becoming the person I used to be. He listened intently, asked questions and gave me some advice. I am blessed to have such a close relationship with my brother now.

And so here are my main conclusions:
- It's never going to be ok to be that person I was. I was a sinful creature. I was hurtful to those around me. I wasn't growing spiritually. I wasn't being a good witness to Christ.

- If removing myself is my only solution to these problems in life, I will be living alone and serving alone. And that might not be God's intention for my life.

- Yes, these thoughts are warning signs and I should pause to reflect and change. With an emphasis on change. Taking myself out of the situation is like running away. I will never grow if I don't accept these challenges. And I need others around to remind me and help me make decisions.

- Instead of withdrawing myself, today's devotion stressed the importance of loving more and more. living in order to please God more and more. So, I might have made inappropriate decisions in the past, but it's never too late to turn back. Thank you Lord for loving me, despite my flaws and misunderstandings of your will!


1 Thessalonians 4
Living to Please God
 1 As for other matters, brothers and sisters, we instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more......
 9 Now about your love for one another we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other. 10 And in fact, you do love all of God’s family throughout Macedonia. Yet we urge you, brothers and sisters, to do so more and more, 11 and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, 12 so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.


Today is the day http://www.songlyrics.com/paul-baloche/today-is-the-day-lyrics/


  • Songwriters: Paul Joseph Baloche, Lincoln Lee Brewster
I'm casting my cares aside
I'm leaving my past behind
I'm setting my heart and mind
On You Jesus

I'm reaching my hands to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have
In store for me is good, is good

Today is the day
You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it

I won't worry 'bout tomorrow
I'm trustin' in what You say
Today is the day
Today is the day

I'm putting my fears aside
I'm leaving my doubts behind
I'm giving my hopes and dreams
To You, Jesus

I will stand upon Your truth
All my days, I'll live for You
I will stand upon Your truth
All my days I'll live for You

I won't worry 'bout tomorrow
Givin' You my fears and sorrows
Where You lead me, I will follow
I'm trustin' in what You say

Today is the day


I hope it's not too late to repair this particular friendship or to start serving in leadership positions again. But, even if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, we can move mountains. 

Do not LOVE...

09:42:00 Kikoprincess 0 Comments

I was reminded recently, not to love the world or anything in the world.

BUT~~~~~! It's so easy to fall into traps. I know I have many entries on this, but I am STILL struggling.
http://www.trinitystudycenter.com/1john/1john_2-15-17.php

To love the world is to seek our identity and value from the world. Lust after worldly things is dangerous. Lust after worldly acclamation is dangerous. Lust after relationships with people that stop us from growing my Christ-like each day is also dangerous.

And so I have failed in all three aspects this week. A small overdrawn fee charged to my bank account is a timely reminder that I have to curb my spending patterns. It's not that I spend a lot of money, but because I spend money all the time that is causing problems. Admittedly 90% of my spending is for others, but still, I just need to stop spending. Especially since my work contract is drawing to an end and I have two trips at the end of this year that is already budgeted at over $2000 per trip :(. If worldly things can't satisfy longings in my heart, why do I think that constant gift giving to friends, family, and strangers is going to fill their void? Am I just helping them accumulate junk? Let me not love the material things of this world.

This week, I have spent a bit of time gloating over time minor achievements of my own. And enjoying the acclamation by my colleagues and friends. BUT doesn't all Glory belong to God? What do I have that he did not give me? I have failed miserably by claiming things that are not of my own.  And have once again fallen into the trap of being proud. We need to redirect our attention to God and use these opportunities to witness for Christ!! Let me not love the praises of man.

And lastly, I have fallen into an old trap mistreating people, trying to love people by my methods and not God's methods. Although ultimately I want to help others because God calls us to love our neighbors, but sometimes, helping others can fall into selfish ambitions. We might enjoy the thanks from people or be proud of our ability to help others. I am completely broken inside because of this. I am full of guilt and remorse at the way I have treated people this week because I was given the opportunity to help them. And other times this week, I have felt jealous and possessive in some friendships. Let me not love these relationships, but focus on loving because You are love.

The reason we commit to some decisions/actions are important. Lord help me distance myself more from material goods, from the praises of man, and from earthly relationships if these things are keeping me from loving you with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. Help my heart sing out to you and let me lifesong bring praise to you each day!

1 John 2

15 Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father[d] is not in them. 16 For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. 17 The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever.





Remember, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains!


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